Is it just me, mama, or do you also find your maternal instinct drowning in a sea of endless information and advice?
There is just So. Much. Noise. Noise from Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, Pinterest, Twitter, this research, that research, and every other freaking social media and info platform. Sometimes, I can barely hear myself think.
Don’t get me wrong, I love me some good research. I believe all of the info we have today is also super helpful, but sometimes, I wish I could transport back to pre-Internet days or maybe pack my bags along with my baby and go live with a tribe in a village far, far away from civilization. Doesn’t that sound dreamy? Just me, my baby, and my maternal instinct. I imagine that would be a very peaceful life.
Sadly, I’m not hanging out with a tribe. It’s just me, my baby, and the Internet. Some days, I feel like the Internet is the real baby mama over here. Who needs maternal instinct when you have the Internet?
While I believe we can definitely reclaim our maternal instinct, it’s first important to see how we’ve lost it. So, we’ll begin there.
Here’s what I’ll be discussing in this guide:
What Is Maternal Instinct?
First off, let’s talk about what defines maternal instinct.
Simply put, maternal instinct is the sense of knowing what is best for your kid. It could also mean that you’re willing to do anything, including giving your life, for the safety of your child.
Some women express zero sense of maternal instinct. Others say they felt it the moment their child was born or even before they were born.
When my son was born, I literally felt like I would give my life to protect him. I had an intense desire to protect him from every bit of harm he would ever encounter from that day forward. It was a wildly overwhelming feeling and one that has only grown since his birth. However, while I was pregnant, I didn’t really feel that way. It happened only after I pushed him out.
I would also say my maternal instincts have grown as I’m developed my relationship with my son. The first few weeks of his life felt like a huge crap shoot, although looking back, I can see now how my maternal instincts actually did give me some direction on how to best care for and respond to my baby. At the time, it didn’t feel that way. It’s worth noting that feelings are horribly inaccurate in the newborn phase, so I’m sure I did a better job than I give myself credit for.
As of today, I feel like I’m a little bit more in tune with my inner mama voice, but I often still doubt that I truly know what I’m doing. Maybe confidence builds over time?
I definitely know my baby really well by now and can tell you what he needs, doesn’t need, wants, doesn’t want, and basically can read just about any cue he’s giving off. Yet, I still doubt myself. One day, maybe I’ll believe in my mama ability. We’re all on a journey, right?
Is Maternal Instinct A Myth?
Some people don’t even believe in maternal instinct, saying it’s a myth. Maybe those people have never experienced it, so they don’t think it’s real?
I guess you could also say the same about love. If you’ve never experienced love, does it exist?
I think it’s real because I’ve experienced it. Heck, animals have maternal instinct, so why wouldn’t humans?
I saw a video recently of a mama chimpanzee who had an emergency c-section to deliver her baby. She was separated from the baby for a couple of days. When they were reunited, she immediately knew it was her baby and responded in a way that made me cry some big ol’ tears. It’s the most beautiful example of mama intuition I could think to show you. I’ve posted the video below. Get your hanky. It’s a tear jerker.
Sure, she’s a chimpanzee, but we’re pretty close to chimpanzees in our genetic makeup, so I’ll take it.
My extremely unscientific conclusion: maternal instinct is real. It’s ok if you disagree. I still like you.
The 5 Opponents
Every day, we have access to an insane amount of information. Sadly, it’s not all correct, and it’s not all helpful. In fact, some of it is doing more harm than good. It only takes me 2 seconds of Googling something before I’m spiraling down a hole of questions and insecurity about my motherhood choices.
Not everything on the Internet is bad, but it’s not so easy to decipher what’s helpful, not helpful, true, false, and everything in between, especially when you’ve got a brain and body throwing around some crazy mama hormones.
What exactly is smothering our mama intuition? In my own journey, I’ve identified 5 maternal instinct killers.
1. Self Doubt
Self doubt definitely affects maternal instinct.
If you’re anything like me, you struggle making decisions. I don’t know why it seems that my generation (I’m old BTW) really struggles in making decisions. Is it the same way for the younger crowd? I’d love to know.
Making even small decisions, like what color scheme to use on my blog, kept me awake for a few nights. You think I’m joking? I’m not. I lost sleep over it and still don’t love my choice. I’ll likely change it a few more times before I really commit to a final color scheme.
That’s a silly example, but it’s just the tip of the iceberg.
I blame my poor decision making on an overabundance of choice. There’s too much information, and I’m riddled with self doubt on many decisions I make.
Self doubt when it comes to decision making has made it difficult to really trust my maternal instinct. I’m normally in hyper-drive mode, asking one million questions. What if there is a better way to do things? Do I have all of the information about this topic? What if I make a mistake?
My brain is literally a hot mess.
2. Schedules, Schedules, Schedules
Schedules are meant to give us a sense of control and predictability, but they are definitely smothering our instincts. The Internet has a schedule for everything: feeding schedules, napping schedules, play schedules, bedtime schedules, burping schedules. You name it, there’s a schedule for it
But please be warned: your baby probably won’t follow a schedule in the exact way you desire, and that’s very normal. Then again, you might have a unicorn baby who follows every schedule you implement. If that’s your experience, I’d love to hear about it. .
A few months before I pushed my baby out, my husband and I did an online birthing class. I knew nothing at the time about newborns and realistic expectations for the newborn phase, so of course I ate up all of the information like a good little student. In fact, I took notes, which are now in the trash. At the time, I was so proud of the fact that I was very prepared for my baby.
The midwife laid out a nice little schedule for us to implement after our baby robot arrived (note the sarcasm). Apparently, my perfect baby would follow a three-hour cycle. He would sleep for two hours followed by an hour of feeding, nappy changing, and playing (what kind of play is a newborn doing anyway???). He would then go back to sleep for another two hours. Easy!
Does any baby really follow that schedule? Mine sure as heck did not.
As I got to know my baby and his rhythms more, my instincts told me that the three-hour routine was a bunch of crap, but I seriously struggled with feelings of failure because I couldn’t get my baby to do what he was supposed to do.
I was also told that I should feed my baby every three hours. Um, ok. Is that three hours from the beginning of the last feed or the end of the last feed? Yes, I did Google that. Not helpful.
My child didn’t care what the Internet said. He loved the boob and was on it 24/7. At least, that’s how it felt to me. He fed every hour some days. The Internet said that was not ok.
Well, to be fair, some voices on the Internet said that was ok, but not many.
Generally speaking, baby schedules are junk, and your maternal instinct is a much better guide. If you follow your baby’s schedule instead of trying to make them follow your own, you’ll have a much more pleasant journey.
3. Constant Comparison
Comparison is the thief of joy…and maternal instinct.
But really, in today’s society of social media blasting your face with other people’s perfectly filtered lives, I find it super challenging to not compare my baby and my experiences with the rest of the mom world.
While my instincts are telling me one thing, I’ve got social media showing me a thousand other moms who are doing things differently. What’s the right way? Is there one right way? How do I know is my chosen way is good enough?
Oh, mama. The struggle is real.
My baby was a HORRIBLE sleeper. True to form, I Googled myself silly trying to work out why exactly my baby didn’t sleep like all the other good babies. Now, I know jacked up baby sleep is way more common than not, but I’m embarrassed to admit that I often compared my baby to the sleeping through the night babies. It’s not something I’m proud of, but I’m being real with you.
Eventually, after working through a load of mental and emotional insecurities, I was able to accept my baby’s sleep for what it was and just get on with things. Deep down, I knew there was nothing wrong with him, and this was just something we’d have to work through. The other babies weren’t better than him. They simply had different sleeping patterns.
At the end of the day, you’ve gotta stick to your guns, dig in deep, and embrace the confidence that your instincts are leading you in the right direction. YOU know your baby best. Not Google or the mom on Instagram who lives in Copenhagen. The Internet will never replace your instincts, mama!
4. Creating Problems From Nothing
I’m going to stay on the sleep topic here because sleep was tough for us. My maternal instincts told me there was nothing wrong with Isaiah.
The Internet, on the other hand, told me he should be sleeping through the night by this date, this age, this weight, blah, blah, blah. It all made my eyes cross and filled my heart with fear and anxiety that something was horribly wrong with him.
I had convinced myself that he had a tongue tie, reflux, bad gas, and about one hundred other things. Why else would he not be sleeping through the night like he was supposed to?
Well, here’s the shocker: there was nothing wrong with him, no elusive underlying medical problem. He was simply a wakeful baby.
Unfortunately, the Internet tends to create problems where there are none because it usually results in someone making money. If you follow your maternal instincts, at least you’ll have more money at the end of it all,
If you really are doubting your intuition and just need a voice to calm your nerves, take your baby to a trusted physician. Luckily, I had a wonderful physician during the newborn stage who always calmed my anxieties. There was no issue too small for her, and she always encouraged and empowered me to continue following my gut. I’m super thankful I had her around.
5. Loads Of Conflicting Info
Sometimes, it feels like the information age has really kind of screwed us over. Just because we’ve got a lot of information doesn’t mean it’s all correct and helpful.
Most of the time, all of the information leaves me even more confused than when I started. Often, I find myself worrying about things that I didn’t even know could be an issue in the first place. When that happens, my maternal instinct definitely takes a back seat.
Here’s a prime example: just the other day, I was scrolling through Instagram and came across a post about crawling. That particular post discussed the benefits of crawling, stating that skipping crawling altogether or crawling for a short time before walking could potentially lead to a plethora of issues down the road. Ironically, the CDC recently took crawling off the list of developmental milestones, which insinuated to me that crawling wasn’t that big of a deal.
Down the rabbit hole I went. You see, my little Isaiah started crawling around 6 months and blasted his way to walking by around 10 1/2 months. Prior to seeing that post, I had zero worries about his early walking skills, but when I saw the post, I spiraled. But the CDC took it off the list of milestones. Surely that eased my fears? Nope. It didn’t.
What did my maternal instinct say? Nothing at all. It was paralyzed with fear. I went out the same day I read the Instagram post, bought a kids crawling tunnel for Isaiah, and started playing “let’s crawl through the tunnel a million times” with him. Better safe than sorry, right?
It’s hard being a mom.
Where Do We Go From Here?
So what’s the solution to all of this? Is following your maternal instinct a lost art?
Absolutely not. There are definitely ways you can reclaim your maternal instinct and confidently follow your gut.
This is part one of a two part series. In my next article, I discuss some fail proof ways to get your mama instinct mojo back in working action. Click here to continue reading about the magic that is the maternal instinct.
Check out these other articles as well:
7 Liberating Reasons To Embrace Contact Naps
6 Simple Practices That Crush Mom Comparison
5 Survival Tips For Mamas Who Don’t Want To Sleep Train
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