From day one, my baby was not a great sleeper. Although I was adamantly against sleep training, I was also exhausted, so I did try implementing some low-key sleep training suggestions. None of them worked for us. In this article, I discuss 8 dumb sleep training rules that didn’t work for my baby and the one thing that finally brought me some sense of sanity.
Here’s what you’ll find in this guide:
- How Did Sleep Training Practices Gain Popularity?
- The Sleep Training Rules I Tried And Quickly Abandoned
- What REALLY Worked For Me
How Did Sleep Training Practices Gain Popularity?
For the longest time, mamas relied on their own intuition to raise their babies. Shocking, I know. How silly to think they knew what they were doing.
They didn’t follow feeding or sleep schedules, but instead, followed their gut, slept with or near their baby, and responded to them as much as necessary. They hadn’t yet been brainwashed to believe they could spoil their baby by showing them an abundance of love.
Molding baby sleep through following specific rules, aka sleep training, didn’t gain popularity until the late 1800s. It took root in the western world and prominently remains a western concept today. In fact, some countries consider sleep training to be a form of child abuse. Yikes!
Germ Theory In The 1800s
In the early 1800s, people didn’t know a lot about germs and how they spread. They believed germs were passed through shared, stagnant air at night. If mama slept with or close to her baby, they were obviously sharing the air, just like they did every other moment of the day.
Apparently, germs shared at night were more dangerous than the day? I’m being sarcastic, obviously, but really? Germs are extra smart, I guess.
As a result of their faulty beliefs, mamas were advised to separate themselves from their baby at night. Prior to that, co-sleeping was the norm.
Bye-Bye Midwife
Until the 18th century, births were traditionally facilitated by midwives. This changed in the 18th century when male physicians entered the scene. Leave it to the men to mess things up. Am I right?
You must understand that up until the 1800s, midwives were considered the voice of knowledge when it came to birthing a baby. In fact, it was considered less safe to use a doctor when delivering a baby. How crazy is that?! Everyone at that time knew doctors didn’t know anything about birthing and raising babies.
However, male physicians didn’t like competing with midwives and believed that birthing babies was a matter of science rather than intuition and biology. Thus began their quest to, essentially, cancel midwives. They created a narrative that greatly discredited midwives and their foolish and archaic practices, saying scientific knowledge was far superior.
Through their successful campaigns, doctors won the trust of mothers even though they were not nearly as knowledgable as midwives. They began giving advice to women about everything from feeding to sleeping.
Industrial Revolution: Get To Work, Mommy
The first infant resources to mention sleep training date back to the 1830s, around the time of the Industrial Revolution. More women were entering the workforce, which made a good night’s sleep a necessity. I’m sure employers didn’t make great allowance for maternity leave, so mamas had to figure a way to “fix” normal baby sleep, which you and I both know is anything but great.
Hello, sleep training.
As we learned above, by the 1800s, physicians took the place of midwives as baby experts. This is important because during the late 1800s, physicians began advocating sleep training. Since they were considered baby experts, mothers heeded their advice, and the practice of sleep training grew in popularity.
By the 21st century, following specific sleep training rules became the norm.
Tada! That brings us to today! Because of all that, I’m sitting in a cafe, wondering why the magical sleep training rules didn’t work for my baby like they were supposed to, frustrated that he still doesn’t sleep through the night at almost a year old even though it’s 100% biologically normal. Crazy.
The Sleep Training Rules I Tried And Quickly Abandoned
Parents have long been in a heated battle of sleep training vs no sleep training. I’m definitely in the “no sleep training camp”, although I did try implementing some sleep training suggestions to see if they might help my little guy sleep soundly. No luck.
If you are also not wanting to sleep train, yet extremely sleep deprived, check out my “no sleep training survival guide“. Your baby won’t magically sleep through the night, but you’ll at least feel better about your choices.
And here we go. These are the sleep training rules that didn’t work for us.
1. Don’t Bed Share
The first sleep training rule that didn’t work for us was don’t bed share.
In fact, according to sleep trainers, one of the worst things I could do for my baby was bed share. In doing so, I was likely going to be bed sharing with them until they were 28, if they even survived that long. Bed sharing was likely going to result in me smothering my baby.
Ok. Hear me out. I know there are incidents of babies dying as a result of bed sharing. I don’t deny that. That experience would be the most horrific thing I could imagine, and for the moms who have experienced this, wow, I’m SO sorry. But it’s not an absolute guarantee that bed sharing will result in death.
There are safe ways to bed share called the Safe Sleep 7, but we are simply told it is unsafe and don’t do it. End of discussion.
For a lot of moms, myself included, bed sharing is literally the only way to get any decent sleep. The bigger issue here is that physicians generally offer zero information on safe bed sharing practices. I would love to know how many cases of smothering happen when parents are following all of the Safe Sleep 7. Sadly, I could not find any research on that topic.
Thankfully, I had a physician who was really supportive of bed sharing. She provided me with the info I needed to make sure I was doing it in a safe way. Even then, she said to me, “I’m supposed to tell you that bed sharing is really dangerous, and you shouldn’t do it. But I know you’re doing it, so here are the safe guidelines. I also bed shared with all three of my kids. If you do it safely, you’ll be ok.”
I really do hate our current society. We are so backward.
2. Don’t Feed To Sleep
Now for the second sleep training rule I broke: don’t feed to sleep.
For the first week of Isaiah’s life, he must have thought he was still in my belly because he slept so easily. No boobies needed. Unfortunately, that didn’t last long.
By the second week, everything changed. That great sleep went out the window.
There was no way I was going to let him do any kind of cry it out. That’s when I discovered the magic of feeding to sleep. I really thought I had discovered the secret to baby sleep, but then I started Googling things.
Bad idea. I learned I was not supposed to do this horrible thing. Oopsies.
Although it was one of the most biologically normal things for me to do, I read over and over again online that feeding my baby to sleep was very bad. In doing so, I was apparently creating a sleep crutch that would last for eternity. At least, that’s how Google made me feel.
But it worked. Isaiah slept and, most importantly, I was getting decent sleep because he fell asleep quickly and went back to sleep quickly.
I did attempt other methods to help him fall asleep, but he wasn’t having it. The boob was magic, and the milkies were like a baby sedative.
I eventually found websites that actually encouraged the very normal activity of feeding to sleep, so I focused on those voices instead, and I never looked back.
I’m about a year in, and I still feed him to sleep. However, he will now fall asleep on my husband’s shoulder which is a huge win and just proves that the sleep trainers were wrong. He can fall asleep without my boob, although he does prefer it.
I have zero regrets, and I give zero eff’s what the sleep training gods think.
3. To Swaddle Or Not To Swaddle
Sleep trainers love the swaddle, but it definitely didn’t work for us. My baby hated it. When I say he hated it, I mean he loathed it. He screamed bloody murder whenever I tried to swaddle him.
But how could he hate it? I was supposed to swaddle him. The nurses at the hospital showed me over and over again how to swaddle properly. Babies were supposed to love being swaddled!
All the sleep trainers also recommended swaddling to improve sleep. Yet another sleep training rule that didn’t work. Isaiah just wasn’t having it, and it made me feel like I was doing something horribly wrong because no one ever told me about the possibility of babies not loving swaddles.
Important note: when bed sharing, you should never swaddle a baby. When I began bed sharing, I no longer attempted to swaddle Isaiah. We were both relieved to ditch the swaddle all together.
Added bonus: If you never swaddle in the first place, you never have to transition out of it. Yay!
4. Follow A Consistent Bedtime Routine
I attended a mom’s group when Isaiah was around 3 months, and bedtime routines was always a hot topic. I internally rolled my eyes whenever someone brought it up.
Here’s my theory. Most of the babies in that group were sleeping horribly. The Internet promised a consistent bedtime routine would improve baby’s sleep. We were desperate to know the specifics of this elusive sleep inducing routine, and anyone who had figured it out was a freaking genius.
I’m sad to report that no one in that group had figured it out. We were all clueless.
I did try a routine, but really, how much of an intense routine can you have with a baby? Mine was pretty simple: dim the lights, put jammies on, give him a massage, look at his black/white picture book, go to bed. It definitely didn’t help him sleep better, but we did it.
Here’s what I did learn: when Isaiah was tired enough, he fell asleep really quickly. I didn’t overcomplicate it, and I definitely didn’t have a 10 step bedtime routine. I couldn’t be bothered.
5. Follow A Napping Schedule
Sleep training rule #5 that failed me: follow a napping schedule.
This recommendation resulted in a ton of stress and anxiety. I lived by the clock.
I think some babies actually do sleep well and follow a schedule?
Not mine.
I drove myself absolutely insane trying to follow a napping schedule. I spent more time trying to make him sleep then he actually slept. The sleep trainers said I had to follow a schedule, and so did everyone else on the Internet. Isaiah missed the memo.
I regret buying into that crap. I wonder what would have happened if I had ignored the online sleep schedules and just let Isaiah sleep when he was tired as opposed to when he was supposed to be tired?
Eventually, I switched my mentality and became much more loosey-goosey with it all. If only I would have done that from the start. Funny enough, he actually did fall into somewhat of a schedule on his own, but it never lasted long. Things in the baby world never stay the same for very long.
Don’t stress out about nap schedules. Babies are not robots. They don’t care about schedules. Trust me. They’ll sleep when they are tired.
6. Drowsy But Awake
The sixth ridiculous rule of sleep training that didn’t work was to put baby to sleep drowsy but awake. Definitely did NOT work for us. I tried many times.
Seriously, who the frick comes up with this stuff? Sleep trainers are making crap loads of money, and this is the advice they’re handing out? It obviously does work for some babies. Right? I’ve yet to meet anyone who had success with this one.
The easiest and most fail-proof way I got Isaiah to fall asleep in less than 5 minutes was by holding him and putting him on the boob. I did contact naps with him for the first 7 months of his life.
I heard you gasp.
Was it hard? Yeah, it was. But he needed it. So that’s what we did. Eventually he did start napping independently, so don’t buy into the lie that contact napping is also a horrendous sleep crutch that will be impossible to break.
It’s not.
It’s a beautiful gift of connection for your baby, and they will move on when they are ready. Read more about the benefits of contact naps here.
7. Put Baby To Bed By 7pm
The sleep trainers say that the gold standard of baby sleep includes an early bedtime, which brings us to the seventh rule of sleep training that didn’t work for us: put baby to bed by 7pm.
But why? Why is this the magical time? Many countries around the world don’t buy into this, so why do we?
Isaiah did go to bed by 7pm most nights only because he didn’t nap much during the day and usually passed out by 7 or even earlier. This was not something I intentionally implemented.
Some nights, however, he wasn’t tired enough by 7pm, so bedtime was a huge battle. He was supposed to go to sleep at 7pm!!! I went crazy on those nights trying to make him fall asleep on time. The sleep trainers had me convinced that an early bedtime was a non negotiable.
Why did I listen to them?????? Sigh.
I went to a baby expo when Isaiah was around 3 months old. There were some sleep trainers there, so I had a chat with them and expressed my angst about Isaiah’s poor sleep. They asked me the standard questions.
Does he have a bedtime routine? Is the room warm enough? Is the room completely dark? What time does he go to bed?
When I responded with 7pm, they praised me. “Oh, wonderful!” Essentially, they had no solutions for his horrible sleep. We were doing all of the right things, so they were stumped. I left feeling horribly defeated.
Put your baby to bed when they are sleepy. That rule will never fail you.
8. Make Sure The Room Is Always Dark For Naps
Finally, we have arrived at the final sleep training rule that didn’t work for us: always make sure the room is dark for naps.
I followed this rule for the first two weeks of Isaiah’s life. It was pointless. Sitting in a dark room only left me feeling extremely depressed.
So I stopped. I napped him with curtains open, sunshine streaming in. That was the best choice for me, and Isaiah napped just as much as he did when he was in a dark room. That advice never made sense to me. If the room was always dark, wouldn’t Isaiah always think it was nighttime? I thought it was good for him to know when it was daytime and when it was nighttime, but maybe that’s just me? Call me crazy.
Like everything else, I guess it works for some babies, but I just couldn’t handle sitting in a dark room for hours every day. No thank-you.
Unless your baby really doesn’t sleep at all unless it’s pitch black, I give you permission to keep the curtains open. Sunshine is good for all of us.
What REALLY Worked For Me
While all of the above sleep training rules didn’t work for me, here’s what did work: I stopped listening to the rules.
Isaiah’s not a robot. He didn’t follow schedules, lists, and should do’s. He was on his own time, and the faster I adapted to his schedule instead of trying to adapt him to my own, the better off I was.
I hope you can quickly drop all of the rules, too. I promise you will enjoy the process a lot more. The first year of motherhood goes so quickly. I wish I would have spent more time enjoying the cuddles and less time trying to make him meet society’s stupid standards. I know better now, and, hopefully, you’re feeling empowered to follow your own intuition, too.
We’re all doing the best we can. You’re doing a great job, mama!
Be sure to check out my other articles related to baby sleep:
- 7 Liberating Reasons To Embrace Contact Naps
- 5 Survival Tips For Mamas Who Don’t Want To Sleep Train
