Hi, sleepy mama. So you don’t want to sleep train, but your baby isn’t sleeping through the night, and you’re about one second away from a mental breakdown? Me too, honey. Me too. Rest assured, you’re in good company.
Having a strong stance to avoid sleep training has not been all magical midnight cuddles and early morning snuggles. It’s been more of a midnight madness, early morning meltdown situation. It’s been hard.
Nonetheless, I’d rather endure the sleep deprivation than put my baby (and me) through sleep training hell. Yes, I personally view sleep training as a form of hell I’d have to go through to get the results it promises.
*Disclaimer: I know some mothers swear by sleep training, and that’s OK! This guide is not for you. It’s for mothers who don’t like it and don’t want to do it. If you are pro-sleep training and it’s worked magic for you, amazing! You’re a good mama. I’m a good mama. We’re all good mamas. End of story.
Some babies have temperaments that respond better to sleep training techniques. However, I just knew from the start that my baby’s particular temperament and needs indicated he would not thrive with sleep training methods. He wanted to be close to me 24/7, so plopping him in a crib and expecting him to work it out was not going to work for either of us.
Since you’ve already decided you don’t want to sleep train, you’ll need support and a game plan so you can stick to your guns when things get hard. There will be hard days, but when you’re moments away from “adding to cart” that sleep training plan, I hope the tools in this guide come to mind so you can quickly “remove from cart”.
Here’s what you’ll find in this guide to surviving without sleep training:
- 1. Know Your Why
- 2. Understand And Accept Biologically Normal Baby Sleep
- 3. Find Voices That Support Your Stance
- 4. Don’t Quit On A Bad Day
- 5. Coffee Makes It All Ok
- You Are Not Alone, And You’re Not A Failure
- FAQ
1. Know Your Why
Why don’t you want to sleep train? You’ve got to have a solid reason, a reason that will get you through the wakeful nights.
Before I had my baby, I knew I didn’t want to sleep train, but I didn’t really have any concrete reasons. Honestly, I didn’t think too much about it. I just knew I didn’t like it, and I didn’t want to do it.
However, as the months passed and I became more exhausted, I felt weak, and the idea of sleep training felt more and more appealing. That’s when I really had to think about why I didn’t want to sleep train.
It was then that I began researching sleep training techniques, the history of sleep training, how other countries view baby sleep, and so on. My searching led me down a lot of rabbit holes, but essentially, I came to the conclusion that the sleep training industry is capitalizing on the vulnerability of sleep deprived parents and offering them a magic pill that might not be quite as effective as they promise. It’s also worth noting that the sleep industry is raking in around $325 million each year. I think I’m in the wrong busine$$.
In the end, all of my research brought me to a place of just not really feeling good about sleep training and the possible ramifications it would have on my baby. I’ll write a future article on the specific reasons. If I laid it out here, you’d be reading for days. I’ll spare you.
Besides, I would assume you already have some of your own reasons or you likely wouldn’t even be reading this.
Expect Weak Moments
One night, during the 4-month sleep regression, I was awakened for what felt like the one millionth time and felt desperate for a change. I needed sleep, and at that moment, I was willing to do just about anything to make that happen. Even though I didn’t want to sleep train, I was desperate for sleep.
So I went to the web, as we all do, and started looking at different sleep training options. I clicked on one that marketed itself as a “non CIO (cry it out)” method and purchased it at around 3am.
Fast forward to the next morning. I had major buyer’s remorse as I watched the videos I’d purchased and immediately hated everything about the program. There was no way in bonkersville that my baby was going to magically fall asleep if I just put him down drowsy but awake or shooshed in just the right way. Not gonna happen.
My first mistake was looking online in the middle of the night while I was at my most vulnerable and desperate state. My second mistake was having Apple Pay set up on my phone so I could make purchases on a whim. Lessons learned. I now put my phone in another room to charge while I sleep, far away from its seductive glow.
Thank goodness there was an option to return the program within 24 hours and get a refund, cause, let me tell you, those sleep trainers are making BANK! I got my money back woo-hoo!
Make Peace With Your Reality
After that hiccup, I started researching more responsive methods of parenting and made peace with the fact that although my baby slept like crap, it was only a problem if I made it a problem. I didn’t want to sleep train, and that was OK.
There was absolutely nothing wrong with my baby. He needed me to help him fall asleep and needed me to respond to him when he woke up. And that’s ok. In fact, it’s normal.
Responding to my baby every time he needs me is OK. It’s ok to be there for him, love him, nurture him, adore him, respond to his needs, etc. I’m not creating bad habits no matter what the sleep trainers say. Because, let’s be honest, if I’m ok with the crap sleep, the sleep trainers are losing money.
I’ll use that money for amazing coffee instead, thank-you very much.
One more point to ponder. In the future, when my baby has grown into a boy who is able to express what he is feeling and needing, will I turn him away to “comfort himself” when he needs me? Likely not. I won’t do it then, and I sure as HECK won’t do it now when my baby has no ability to share exactly what he is feeling.
2. Understand And Accept Biologically Normal Baby Sleep
This is a huge topic, and I can’t lay it all out for you because I’m not educated enough to give you 100% of the information out there.
Here’s what I can tell you for sure: there is a massive range of normal in the world of baby sleep. Some babies sleep long chunks straight away. Others do it later. And then there are the blessed ones who have babies that seem like they will never sleep more than 2-3 hours at a time. Ever.
Apparently, I am very blessed. A 4-hour chunk in my world is a gift.
My Newborn Baby’s Normal Sleep Patterns
When Isaiah was a newborn, he actually slept pretty well, I guess. I remember getting a couple of 4-hour slots here and there. I kind of assumed that if he was doing 4-hour chunks as a newborn, then certainly it would only get better in the coming months. Incorrect.
Yeah, I know. I was clueless. In my defense, I had no real grasp on just how varied baby sleep patterns can be from baby to baby because no one told me. I foolishly believed Google when it told me that my baby would likely be “sleeping through the night” by the time Isaiah hit a certain age or weight. So I didn’t sweat it.
I should have been sweating. A lot.
The 4 Month Sleep Regression Hit HARD
The first 3 months were so-so, as mentioned earlier. Enter the 4 month sleep regression when we fell off the cliff. I can honestly tell you that I believed the 4 month sleep regression probably wasn’t going to be that bad and that people were likely just over-exaggerating how bad it would be.
They weren’t over-exaggerating.
In fact, it was worse than I could have imagined. He was waking hourly or less most nights, up for the day around 5am, and napping 30 minutes at a time during the day. I was miserable. Every moment of every day was spent just trying to make him go to sleep or sleep longer.
That phase was really, really hard.
Eventually the naps did get longer, but the night sleep just didn’t seem to improve. But guess what? Isaiah’s story is not unusual. In fact, it might be more of the norm for most babies.
Unfortunately, society tends to hint that babies should be sleeping through the night by a certain time. If they aren’t, surely it’s the mother’s fault. You just need to do A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H (you get the point) to fix things. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy, right? LIES.
How Things Are Going At The One-Year Mark
We have survived almost one year without sleep training. I haven’t died from sleep deprivation, although some days felt like that was definitely a possibility. Where is my purple heart award?
Seriously, where is it?
I’ve survived, but Isaiah’s sleeping patterns have been all over the place. Depending on what developmental milestone he’s going through, sleep can still be a sh*t show with hourly wake ups. Thankfully, those phases usually only last one or two nights.
He’s not sleeping through the night like the Internet says he should be, but he always falls back to sleep (with the assistance of my boob) within 5-10 minutes of waking. Four or 5 wake ups is normal for him, but on the rare occasion, he throws me a curveball and only wakes up 2-3 times. He is about as predictable as the wind.
I definitely thought he’d be sleeping in his own space by now and sleeping through the night, but here we are. I know he’ll work it all out one day, and he’ll be sleeping in his own bed without using my boob to fall asleep. At least, I imagine that will happen one day.
As absolutely absurd as this may sound, I think about the days ahead where he will be sleeping without needing me, and I can already feel myself missing those nighttime snuggles. Motherhood is such a weird experience.
3. Find Voices That Support Your Stance
There are more voices fighting to normalize the wild ups and downs of baby sleep patterns and working to educate parents on more effective and compassionate ways to navigate baby sleep. You don’t have to sleep train if you don’t want to. It isn’t the magic bullet that a lot of professionals promise it to be, and I don’t think the answer lies in forcing a baby to conform to our own sleep ideals and needs.
Today’s western social norms of early independence have villainized the responsive parent and claim we are setting bad habits or spoiling our baby if we actually allow them to be 100% dependent on us. It feels like we are being programmed to believe it’s healthier for us to push our babies to be independent well before they are ready. Well, I don’t buy into that crap, and neither should you.
Supportive Social Media Accounts To Follow
I follow a few accounts on Instagram that really affirm my beliefs, provide educational baby sleep content, and give me tools of survival.
Here are some accounts I love:
Heysleepybaby – This account is run by Rachael, a pediatric sleep specialist. She approaches baby sleep with a holistic viewpoint and debunks many of the empty promises of the sleep training industry.
Lyndsey_hookway – Lyndsey is a pediatric nurse and IBCLC (International Board Certified Lactation Consultant). This account is one of my favorites as Lyndsey is doing so much work to normalize biologically normal baby sleep. She gives a wealth of information in each post and makes me feel much better about my parenting choices that often go against current societal norms.
Possumsonline – Possums is an Australian based organization led by Dr Pamela Douglas. The account focuses on the mental health of mothers, addresses common baby sleep complaints, and works with the biological needs of the baby instead of using the cookie cutter tactics of the sleep industry.
Taylorkulik – Taylor is amazing!! She’s an occupational therapist and sleep/well-being specialist. Taylor takes a holistic approach to parenthood and supports mothers who want to follow their mama instincts and nurture their babies through responsive/attachment parenting.
4. Don’t Quit On A Bad Day
The single best piece of advice I received in my first year of parenting was, “Don’t quit on a bad day.”
At the time, I was discussing breastfeeding with a mom friend and crying over my thrashed up nipples due to Isaiah’s new teeth.
I definitely wanted to stop breastfeeding that day, but my friend told me, “Don’t quit on a bad day.” Yes, we were talking about broken nipples, but the advice applies to sleep training as well, and I often think of that advice after a horrible night’s sleep.
Things never stay the same for us from one day to the next in babyland. One day is great. The next, I’m questioning everything. The only constant in my world is change.
If you’re having a hard day today, don’t give up on what’s important to you. Get through the day. Tomorrow will be different. In the end, you’ll be so proud that you stuck to your guns and did what you felt was best for your baby.
5. Coffee Makes It All Ok
This is obviously the most important advice I can give you (wink, wink). While I didn’t want to sleep train, I did need to be able to funtion. Coffee was my savior. If you don’t like coffee, I send my condolences. Try tea?
I strongly suggest that you invest in a good espresso machine or Nespresso machine. Our machine saved my life and made those sleepy, early mornings a lot more bearable. You can find affordable second hand Nespresso machines on Facebook marketplace or eBay. We got our espresso machine on eBay.
Coffee is magic, pure bliss in a mug. In fact, studies show caffeine can reduce your risk of depression drastically. Sign me up. Just don’t have TOO much. I limit myself to two caffeinated beverages a day, and if I need a third jolt of joy, I do decaf. For me, decaf has the same psychological effect as regular coffee.
Add a beautiful mug to the mix, and you’re in business! As a mom, the smallest things bring joy. I’ll take it any way I can get it!
You Are Not Alone, And You’re Not A Failure
All throughout the early months of motherhood, I felt like a massive, sleep deprived failure of a mother.
Most things online told me my baby should be doing this, should be doing that by a certain age. Ugh. There was so much noise. I felt like I was the only one struggling.
Slowly, I met other mamas like me, mamas who were also struggling with their baby’s crazy sleep patterns. And, like me, even though they were horribly sleep deprived, their instincts told them that sleep training was not the best choice for their little ones.
I realized my story wasn’t so abnormal, and there were actually many mamas trying to reach a certain standard of baby sleep that had been set by people who have had zero contact with our babies. How could the Internet know what’s best for us?
The Internet was trying to sell me some fairy tale of a lie that if I did the right things, sprinkled just the perfect concoction of sleep dust and unicorn tears onto my baby’s forehead, he’d magically be sleeping like he was supposed to.
But I’m here to assure you, mama. If your baby isn’t sleeping through the night by a certain age, YOU ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG. It’s also ok to be very sleep deprived, frustrated by your current circumstances, and yet still choose to not sleep train.
There is no magic pill. There is no quick fix. If your baby’s sleep is crap, that is no reflection on you and your mothering skills. You are a kick-butt mama, and by choosing to respond to your baby however many times you respond to them at night, you are building a foundation of connection and trust. Go, you!
So I applaud you, mama! You are doing the hard work. I see you, and I’m proud of you. You’re the best mama your little peanut could ever ask for.
FAQ
Is there a way to sleep train without doing cry it out?
If there is, I sure haven’t found it.
If I feed to sleep, am I creating bad habits?
No. You’re not. If it works for you, keep doing it. It’s only a problem if you make it a problem or if you listen to all of the sleep trainers.
When will my baby actually sleep through the night?
I’m so sorry that there is no guaranteed answer to this. I wish there were. Some babies sleep through before a year old while others still aren’t sleeping through after they hit the one-year mark. One thing I do know is that it will happen. Every mom I’ve spoken to who didn’t sleep train said their little one eventually did sleep through the night. It will happen. You’ll do yourself a massive favor if you don’t put a timeline on it.
If my baby doesn’t sleep through the night by a certain age, is it my fault?
Nope!
If my baby doesn’t sleep through the night by a certain age, am I a bad mother?
Nope!
Is it ok to respond to my baby every time they cry?
Yes! In fact, responding to your baby creates assurance and comfort, knowing that mommy or daddy will always be there when they have a need. How amazing to know that you are always safe! I’d love to have that assurance even as an adult.
You might be interested in these other articles:
8 Annoying Sleep Training Rules That Didn’t Work For Me
6 Compelling Reasons To Hold Your Baby MORE
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