Clingy Baby? 10 Sanity-Saving Strategies For Tapped Out Moms

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I have what people refer to as a “clingy” baby. Sometimes, he insists that I hold him. All. Day. Long. Other days, he’s not quite so demanding and gifts me short windows of freedom, permitting me to make a meal or work on my writings for a bit. But only for a bit. After maybe 20 minutes of “me time”, he finds his way back to my legs, grips them for dear life, and cries the most sad cry until I pick him up.

I have met other moms who also have clingy babies, so I know I’m not alone in this. While some days are still VERY mentally challenging for me, I’ve been at this for almost a year now, and I know I’ve learned some strategies that have helped me cope with my day-to-day clingy baby life. I can now handle the “pull” of my baby better than I did a few months ago, and there are fewer days where I feel about 2 seconds away from a mental breakdown. So, I’m making progress.

Here’s a breakdown of what you’ll get in this sanity-saving guide:

What Defines A Clingy Baby?

I could not find an official scientific definition of a clingy baby. Separation anxiety is typically the assumed cause of a clingy baby. I think that’s a really narrow definition. A baby can desire closeness for a number of other reasons. What about developmental milestones, growth spurts, teething, general discomfort, etc.? Babies go through never ending changes in their first year of life.

Personally, I didn’t even know my baby was considered clingy until a friend sent me an article about clingy babies. My baby ticked off almost every point. I always just assumed my baby was being, well, a baby. I did sometimes joke about him being a velcro baby because he wanted to be held so much, but I didn’t think he fell into the clingy category. Apparently, he does.

Here’s a glimpse of my first year with Isaiah.

The first 7 months were REALLY stretching for me. He insisted that I hold him or be beside him 24/7. I held him for every nap because he wouldn’t nap otherwise. In case you’re wondering, that’s about 800+ hours of naps, or 33.3 days. My arms literally felt like they were going to break off at times.

We also co-slept because it was the only way I got any semblance of quality sleep. The Internet says I’m a bad mother for doing that, but that’s a discussion for another time. We were like peanut butter and jelly. Always glued together. Those were actually such sweet days of closeness with my guy even though it was so hard for me.

At the 7 month mark, he finally began to sleep independently for naps. It was literally overnight that he went from only contact napping to napping independently. I was stunned. All the fear mongering online telling me I was creating bad habits and was going to be holding him for naps for the rest of his life were so ridiculous and not the slightest bit true. He advanced on his own time.

Don’t get me wrong, once he wakes up from naps, it’s straight back to mommy’s arms.

If you are also living the contact nap life and having a rough go, I’ve got some encouraging words and tips for you in this article.

Are Clingy Babies Normal?

Is the level of clinginess I have experienced normal?

Yeah. It is.

I did a ton of Googling (as all moms do) and investigating on mom forums, facebook groups, etc., and it seems like babies who demand to be held and close to mommy all day are actually quite normal. Or maybe us moms with the clingy babies are just more vocal about our pain. Who knows?

I do know that having a clingy baby was extremely overwhelming, often leaving me tapped out and on the verge of a breakdown by the end of the day. It was not easy. I did, however, pick up some helpful tools along the way, and I’m passing them on to you. You’re welcome.

1. Prioritize The Day

Life with a clingy baby can feel suffocating. Add all the usual daily chores and life expectations on top of that, and you’ve got yourself a recipe for a mental breakdown. Believe me. I’m speaking from experience. You’re going to have to get your priorities straight so you can keep your sanity in check.

Burn The To-Do List

Ditching the daily chore list will be easier for some mamas than others. This really depends on your personality type.

Luckily, I’m the type that allows me to release myself from the things that aren’t urgent and sit in a less than perfect home because other things are more demanding of my time. Dirty dishes piling up? Mounds of laundry screaming for attention? No problem. It doesn’t phase me. Of course I prefer a pristine environment, but the demands of a clingy baby just don’t allow an abundance of time to do white glove checks.

What do you value more? An empty sink or a stable mental state? With a clingy baby on your hip, you really can’t have both.

Hire Someone To Clean

Actually, I was wrong. You can have both cleanliness and sanity, but it might cost you some $$. Find a local cleaning company or even a high school or college student who wants to make some extra money. Having someone come once a week or every other week to do a quick clean-up might just change your life. It’s definitely worth a try.

If you don’t have the extra money to hire someone, ask a friend or family member if they would be willing to come in and help you tidy up. Most of the time, friends and family really do want to help, but they don’t know what you need. Pass them the dust buster, and put them to work.

Fortunately, I have a husband who kept the apartment pretty tidy. I know not everyone has a partner who is able to help in the same way, so you really might have to just accept your season of motherhood and know that you won’t always have a baby attached to your hip. It’s ok if the house is not perfectly organized. It won’t be that way forever, and I’m certain your baby cares more about your embrace than a spotless home.

2. Fresh Air Makes A World Of Difference

Go outside. Often.

In the thick of the clingy days, I would go outside with Isaiah at least 3 times per day. We were living in Melbourne for the newborn months, and the weather was always unpredictable. It was often rainy and gloomy, but I didn’t care. I knew I needed to get out, so I would bundle Isaiah up a bit more, plop him in the carrier, and head out.

The bonus here is that babies are commonly soothed when they go outside. If Isaiah was “having a moment”, we didn’t even have to physically be outside before he calmed down. I would open our apartment door, step out into the hallway, and he’d settle. It was my magic calming technique in the early months.

Movement Helps

Research shows that exercise helps reduce anxiety and depression. It doesn’t have to be anything intense. You’ll get an extra boost if you are in nature, but even urban settings will suffice. The key is simply going outside and moving your body.

Isaiah also loved the movement, so it helped both of us. He hated the stroller for the first 6 months, so I’d put him in the carrier. Not only did he get some movement, but he was also in his favorite spot: attached to mommy.

The Importance Of Sunlight

Sunlight is an instant mood booster. If you’re not aware of its transformative powers, here’s an article that discusses the myriad of benefits. Improved mood, which is what we are most concerned about in this guide, is just one sunlight’s many perks.

Invest In A Sun Lamp

This is one piece of advice I didn’t follow, but I wish I did. Since the weather was so unpredictable in Melbourne, sunlight was hit or miss. I often went days without getting a good dose, so I do wish I would have invested in a sun lamp because they are supposed to give similar effects in mood improvement. Hind site is always 20/20, right? We’re now living in a very sunny location, so my daily sun dosage is high. Yay!

3. Manage Your Mental Health

Mental wellness has been a tricky one for me to navigate in my post-partum life. My hormones have been all over the place. One day, I’m in the clouds. The next, I’m face down in the gutter. Therefore, it’s important to have some things in place to help with the wild mess that is post-partum hormone soup .

Practice Gratitude

Okay, I can see you rolling your eyes. Whenever I hear any new mom talking about gratitude journals, I also have a slight brain convulsion. What mom with a clingy baby has time to pull out a gratitude journal, connect to her inner zen, and write a 10-point daily gratitude list?? Not this mom. And probably not you, either.

I’m not talking about a full-on gratitude journal. A simple pause in the day for maybe 30 seconds to make a mental note of some things you are grateful for in the day can be extremely beneficial. Set a reminder twice a day on your phone, one mid-morning and one late afternoon. Research shows that practicing gratitude can contribute to the production of dopamine, a pleasure chemical in the brain. Who doesn’t want more pleasure chemicals? I sure do.

Process With Your Partner Or A Friend

I often verbally vomit all over my husband when he gets home from work. He’s usually a safe place for me to vent.

However, there have been days when he’s also overwhelmed with things and doesn’t have space to hear me crying about my hard day. On those days, I vent to a friend. I’ve got a very good mama friend who also has a clingy baby, so we are able to commiserate with one another. Just having a friend or partner who offers a listening ear really does help.

Don’t go at this alone. Find that listening ear. It could be your partner, friend, sister, brother, mom, dad, or even your pet cat. Heck, the cashiers at Trader Joes seem to be pretty nice. They can listen to you while they scan your cookies and flavored seltzer water.

4. Get Your Partner Involved

My husband works full time, therefore, I am the sole care giver. In fact, I co-slept (and still do at 10 months) with him and fed him to sleep/back to sleep during the night. I truly understand what it feels like to be the one doing everything for the baby. Gosh, it’s hard.

Sure, I could have done more in terms of bottle feeding so my husband could maybe help more in the night, but it just didn’t happen that way. Isaiah has taken a bottle twice in his life. What can I say? He loves the boob. To be honest, it has been 1,000 times easier just feeding him to sleep as opposed to attempting other methods. I chose my cross, and I’m carrying it. End of story.

That didn’t mean my husband couldn’t help with anything. Quite the contrary. He took care of most of the household stuff. He cleaned, made me coffee, did laundry, cooked, did the supermarket shopping, and held Isaiah while I showered. Isaiah would still cry when he wasn’t in MY arms, but at least he was being held while he cried.

Tell your partner what you need. Make a plan that works for the both of you, and tailor it as things change. At our current spot in the clingy journey, Isaiah will FINALLY allow me to leave for longer periods of time because he feels safe with my husband. But those early months were extremely hard. Isaiah was the king, and I was merely his lady in waiting.

5. Cultivate A Joyful Environment

Mama, you are powerful. You might feel weak, but I promise you, you’re more powerful than you realize. There have been many, many days I’ve slid down the “woe is me” hole and couldn’t get out. But I also remember days when I lifted my head up, pulled my brain out of the dumps, and decided I was taking control of my day and my environment.

Turn Up The Music And Dance

We all have our happy music. Make a playlist of songs that makes you feel like a kid on Christmas morning (or another holiday if Christmas isn’t your thing). Creating joy is the key here.

What does it for you? Christmas music (that’s me!)? Celine Dion? Beyonce? It doesn’t matter. Turn up the volume, grab your little goober, and dance. It works. Do it.

6. Fill Up Your Calendar

When I have something fun planned in the week, I feel exponentially more excited about life. Even when I’m feeling exhausted and don’t want to make the effort to go anywhere, I always feel better after I’ve done whatever I had planned. It also just gives me something to look forward to and helps my mood.

The most important thing here is to have human contact. Aim for one event per week that involves a friend, and as you build up your capacity to venture out with your baby and connect with people, increase it to two. The more the better.

Here are a few fun ideas if you’re feeling stumped:

Grab a coffee with a friend and go for a walk. Isaiah hated being still so we had to walk and talk.
Go to the park with a friend and feed the ducks.
Go to Target with a friend. Get a coffee at the Target Starbucks and have a coffee/talk/shop experience.
Go to a museum with a friend.
Go to the zoo with a friend.
Try a new bakery. Walk, talk, and eat.
Check the local library for baby story times. I’ve met a few stellar moms at library time.
Join an in-person mom’s group. So many things are done online these days, but in-person just hits differently. It’s worth the effort.

7. Invest In A Comfortable Carrier

Since Isaiah hated the stroller, I was his mode of transportation. I went through three different carriers before finding one that offered the right amount of back, hip, and shoulder support. Carrying for hours on end put so much pressure on different parts of my body, so having the right carrier was crucial.

I used a stretchy cloth carrier when he was a newborn. That was ok for short trips, but I always felt like I was half carrying him in my arms by the time I got home. It didn’t seem to hold him securely no matter how tightly I wrapped him up. It looked cute, but it wasn’t my favorite.

I then tried a sturdy cloth carrier from a popular Korean brand that had a bit more strength. Sadly, like the stretchy cloth carrier, I always ended up half carrying him with my arms after a short time. It was really frustrating and uncomfortable.

The one that worked best for me had a waste belt with a clip, front panel to hold baby in and shoulder straps with clips. That carrier saved my life, and I can use it until he’s 35 pounds. Although if carry a 35-pound baby, I might fall over. Hopefully, he’ll be a strong walker by then.

8. Have Compassion For Yourself

Having a clingy baby is beyond exhausting. You must have compassion for yourself and know that what you are going through is definitely not for the faint of heart.

In some of my lowest days, a friend of mine would remind me that Isaiah was so lucky to have a mommy who consistently responded to his needs and didn’t try to change him to fit some stupid standards set up by our independent society. So I will tell you the same thing.

Imagine if your little one was born to a mama who just didn’t have the capacity to be present and available for them? You were chosen for your baby because you have what it takes.

I know it’s hard to see it now when you’re in the thick of it, but you are the greatest gift your baby could ever hope for. It’s ok to slow down for this time, hold your baby tight, and let the rest of the world pass you by. It’s only for a short season. As crazy as it sounds, you will miss the closeness when they aren’t quite so clingy. I actually look back on those overwhelmingly grueling early months and miss the snuggles and whimsical magic of life with such my tiny, tiny baby. I just wish I was a bit more kind to myself in the process. Be kind to yourself.

9. Flip Your Perspective

Nothing Lasts Forever

Time is such weird thing when you have a baby. The day literally feels like it’s 500 hours long, yet the weeks pass quickly, and you wonder where the time went. And then before you know it, you’re almost at the year mark. It really is true what they say. The days are long, but the weeks are short. It just doesn’t feel that way when you’re holding your baby for 800+ hours of naps.

I’m just about at the one year mark, and I can tell you that the time really, REALLY does go quickly. In fact, it flies.

I felt like Isaiah would never nap independently, and now he does. I thought I would have to spend every waking moment with him until he was 25 years-old. Now he is pretty content with daddy for longer periods of time, and I can get away for a couple of hours here and there.

Things changed, they are changing, and they will continue to change. I feel some regret about how hopeless I felt in those beginning months. I was so anxious and frustrated most days. But I didn’t know how quickly it would all go. Now I know.

Dependence Leads To Independence

There seems to be two opposing views in the parenting world, at least from what I’ve seen online.

One side says that if you respond too much to your baby, you are creating a rod for your back, and you are encouraging baby’s clingy behavior. You must foster independence by creating boundaries and sticking to them firmly.

The other side says that responding to your baby consistently actually promotes future independence.

I agree with the latter. When baby knows mommy or daddy will respond when they have a need (no matter how many times), how secure they must feel! Each time baby experiences a positive response, another layer of safety and security is laid. Eventually, that foundation will hold them as they explore independence in toddler years and beyond. The security and safety you provide them as babies will hopefully last a lifetime.

Take my example of the contact naps. Eventually, Isaiah felt safe enough to nap independently. I didn’t force him to do it. He did it when he was ready.

You are doing an amazing thing for your baby. Don’t give up on your instincts to respond. The hard work will pay off.

10. Most Importantly, Know You Are Not Failing As A Mom

Lastly, but most importantly, you must get it DEEP into your heart that YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. Capitals are necessary here. I want to make sure you hear me.

Your baby’s clinginess is no reflection of your success or failure as a parent. It might feel that way, but it’s not true. The Internet may lead you to believe that if you would just do this, that, or the other thing, than things would be easier and your baby would magically change. I mean, maybe they will magically change, but likely not.

Sometimes, Surviving Is Thriving

To wrap this up, I want to remind you again that what you are walking through is really hard. While you can set up all of the logistical things, the clingy-baby life is intense, and there will be days where it all just feels too overwhelming and hard. I have had my fair share of days filled with tears, frustration, and fear that things will never feel easier.

When those days crop up, surviving = thriving.

It is important to remind yourself that the hard days won’t last forever.

You are not alone in this, mama. I assure you, thousands of other mamas, including myself, are venturing through the day with a baby superglued to our side. And that’s perfectly ok.