Hi, mama. Bed-sharing is highly controversial. While you might hide the fact that you do it (I know I did!), there are so many advantages of bed-sharing, and it’s time we start embracing it more.
Honestly, it’s the only way I’ve had any decent sleep in the last year. I give you permission to flush that mom shame down the loo, mama, and be more open about your choices. You’re in a safe place. There’s no shame here.
Here’s what you’ll find in this bed-sharing guide:
- Why I Started Bed-Sharing
- Is Bed-Sharing Always Bad?
- Bed-Sharing Around The World
- The Advantages Of Bed-Sharing
- Safe Practices
Why I Started Bed-Sharing
One thing that drives me absolutely wild is that fact that bed-sharing is such a common practice in many countries around the world, yet in our society, we are conditioned to believe it is one of the most dangerous things we can do.
When my guy was a newborn, he really struggled sleeping by himself. For the first couple of weeks, he didn’t really seem aware that he had just left the safe confines of my belly, so he slept pretty well, as far as I can remember. However, I do recall that he slept better and longer when he was in my arms.
Funny enough, that actually shocked to me.
Before I had him, I kind of just assumed that babies slept all the time, and they would sleep anywhere, in any circumstances. INCORRECT. In fact, I thought for sure I was doing something wrong because he’d quickly fall asleep in my arms, but the second I transitioned him to his own space, he’d always wake up and freak out.
It didn’t take me long to realize that he just wanted to be with mommy 24/7. That meant sleeping with mommy, too.
At first, I felt really bad about it, but then I learned it’s a super normal practice in most other countries. That really eased my anxieties because the Internet made it seem like I was for sure going to smother my baby at night.
The really wild thing, though, was that sleeping with my baby actually made me more alert. If he stirred slightly, I instantly woke up. I feel like I wouldn’t have been as alert if he was not in the bed with me, but I can’t be sure because he’s literally never slept apart from me at night since he was born.
Bed-sharing just worked for us from the start, so I’ve never really tried to change it. At this point, we are a year in, and I can’t even fathom what the process would look like to get him out of my bed.
I’ve accepted the fact that this is the way it is now, and when he’s ready, he’ll go to his own bed. At least I hope so!
Is Bed-Sharing Always Bad?
No matter how you approach the topic, bed-sharing is just highly controversial, but there is a lot of conflicting information out there.
For instance, in the US, we are told that bed-sharing increases the risk of SIDS. At the same time, Japan has the highest rate of bed-sharing in the world while also holding the lowest of SIDS rate.
Interesting.
Now I’m not here to argue with you about every piece of research done under the sun when it comes to bed-sharing and SIDS. I’m simply pointing out that there is a lot of conflicting information. Therefore, it’s really hard to make an educated decision when there is research saying this, that, and everything in between.
Here’s where I stand. You can disagree, and I still like you. Personally, from the info I’ve read, I believe the risk of SIDS while bed-sharing is elevated only when there are risk factors present. I found many of the studies highlighted a link between mothers who smoked while bed-sharing and increased SIDS risk.
If there are no risk factors and you’re practicing safe bed-sharing protocol, it’s safe.
However, most doctors don’t discuss the safe practices and simply say, “Don’t do it.” Thankfully, I had a doctor who had also bed-shared with all three of her kids and happily equipped me with the resources I needed to make sure I was practicing safe bed-sharing. My doctor was the best.
Bed-Sharing Around The World
When it comes to sleeping practices, America is considered to have some really weird views on all of it.
It is super common for parents to share a bed with their babies and children in most countries of the world. According to this very well-written and researched Fatherly article, some cultures even consider independent sleeping of babies to be a form of neglect.
When I first became a mom, I was part of some motherhood Facebook groups where it was normal for parents to begin discussing sleep training when the baby was just 6 weeks old. Um, no thank you.
I left those groups. That approach to baby sleep didn’t sit well with me, but we all gotta do what we feel good about, right?
We’ve just got really weird ideas surrounding infant/child sleep practices in the US. While most of the world says a resounding YES to co-sleeping and bed-sharing, many people in America think it’s a weird, backward practice.
I guess I’m just weird then, and I’m ok with that.
The Advantages Of Bed-Sharing
There are many advantages of bed-sharing, but the following points specify how I have been personally impacted. You might have your own advantages, and I’d love to hear about them in the comments.
Or if you’re very against bed-sharing, I’d love to hear more about that, too! All thoughts are welcome here.
Convenience
The biggest advantage of bed-sharing for me was convenience.
At first, I slept beside Isaiah while he was in his Moses basket. That was ok because I was close, but I still had to physically get up, hold him, and settle him when he woke up.
After a few nights of doing that, I started to feel pretty exhausted. At that point, I discovered the magic of feeding to sleep which naturally led to him sleeping in my arms or beside me in the same space.
It worked. He slept great, and I actually got sleep, too.
Massive disclaimer: I was not educated on the safe sleeping practices in the beginning and definitely broke some rules. Since I didn’t even know that there were safe ways to bed-share (I was simply told I shouldn’t do it), I wasn’t doing it in a safe way for the first couple of weeks.
It was only after I found a doctor who I trusted enough to tell her I was bed-sharing that I received the information I needed to do it safely. I’m so thankful I found her.
Sharing my sleeping space with Isaiah eliminated the need for me to physically get up and settle him. I really don’t know how I would have survived if I did it differently.
Closeness
Closeness was a very sweet advantage of bed-sharing.
It might not be this way for every mom, but for me, I never wanted to leave Isaiah’s side after he was born. I needed the closeness, and so did he.
It’s interesting to me that there seems to be this massive push in western cultures to immediately put distance between mama and her baby. The recommendations tell us to never let our baby sleep in the same space as us. Why is it so bad to be really connected to your baby?
When I look at nature, I can’t think of any animal that puts their newborn baby in a space under a tree and then leaves them. There very well might be some animals that do that, but I don’t know of any. I’ll Google it.
We are naturally wired to desire closeness with our babies. It’s ok to embrace that.
Immediate Response To Baby’s Needs
The third advantage of bed-sharing was the ability to respond quickly to my baby’s needs.
I’ve often heard other mamas of newborns express a lot of anxiety surrounding their baby’s safety and security. I definitely experienced that.
My lack of sleep in the first month or so of Isaiah’s life wasn’t all because of him. It was mostly because of my anxiety. I would lie awake at night, staring at him, making sure his tummy was moving up and down so I knew he was breathing. I was terrified something would happen to him.
When we started sharing a sleeping space, I actually felt more secure in the fact that I was so close to him and could immediately respond to him when he needed me. I was super alert with him in my bed, and that made me feel safe.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I also had intense fears that I would smother him because the Internet told me that was 100% going to happen. As I learned more about how common bed-sharing was around the world, I became less anxious about the smothering thing.
All that fear mongering was SO annoying. Looking back, I wish I didn’t look online but, instead, gave myself permission to follow my gut.
Mama Gets Better Sleep
Better sleep, along with convenience, was one of the greatest advantages of bed-sharing.
Once I moved past the “I’m going to smother him” fears, I actually started getting pretty good sleep. Isaiah has never been a super great sleeper, so by saying I got better sleep, I mean I was able to fall asleep quickly after settling Isaiah back to sleep. For me, that was a game changer.
Sleep has been my greatest challenge in the past year. I really had to do whatever I could to get any semblance of good sleep. For me, that looked like bed-sharing. I’d assume the number of moms that bed-share for that very reason is pretty high, but they are too ashamed to admit it.
I’ll happily bed-share and take the sleep, thank-you very much.
Baby Is More Content
Gosh, the last advantage of bed-sharing makes me super sentimental, and actually makes me miss those early months.
Isaiah was so content when he slept beside me. His head was teeny, tiny. My boob was literally bigger than his head. He loved feeding to sleep, so I would lie down with him beside me on the bed and put him on the boob. He would drink until he was so sleepy then lay his head on my boob while he slept. I was his boobie pillow.
It was the sweetest time with him. He was just so stinking content, and so was I. I really do miss those moments. It’s more common for me to wake up with his foot in my face now, so those times really didn’t last long. It’s still sweet, but it’s different now.
Safe Practices
While sharing all of the advantages of bed-sharing is great, I would be doing you a disservice if I didn’t give you access to the safe bed-sharing practices.
You should follow these 7 safe practices:
- No smoking or alcohol before bed
- Put baby close to your breast so he has easy access
- Keep baby on their back
- Keep baby lightly dressed
- Use a firm mattress
- Remove cords and eliminate gaps between bed and wall
- No blankets or pillows in baby’s sleep area
If you practice the safe guidelines, you’re all good. Happy bed-sharing, mama!
Check out my other articles!
5 Magical Benefits Of Breastfeeding To Sleep
8 Annoying Sleep Training Rules That Didn’t Work For Me
5 Survival Tips For Mamas Who Don’t Want To Sleep Train
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