Hey, mama. Is it just me, or did people start asking you when you were having your second child before you even popped out the first one? While there are plenty of valid reasons for having just one child, society seems to have pretty specific standards as to what family size is most acceptable. I feel like two children is the magic number today.
At the same time, I imagine if we did have a second one, people would immediately start asking when we were having a third child. It’s never good enough.
Seriously. Why can’t people just chill and let us be? It might feel like a simple and harmless thing to question when a couple is going to have a first child, second child, third child, and so on. However, you simply have no idea what’s happening behind the scenes and why couples might choose to only have one child, two children, even no children.
We all just assume it’s so easy for everyone to have babies, and maybe that’s not the case.
Here’s what you’ll find in this validating article:
- Why Isn’t One Enough?
- Society’s Stupid Standards
- Some Possible Reasons For Choosing To Have One Child
- Your Choices Are Valid, Mama
Why Isn’t One Enough?
This is such a tricky topic for me.
We currently have one child, and I love my baby boy more than anything in the world. At the same time, this first year of life with a baby has been insanely trying for me in so many areas: physically, mentally, emotionally, all of it. While I do feel this pull to have a second child, I also wonder if I would mentally be able to handle it at this point in my life.
When you add in pressure from society, the result is a really confusing and messy mix in my brain. Shouldn’t I want another child? Wouldn’t another child just add to our happiness and give our baby boy a much needed playmate? Well, technically, yes, I guess.
On the other hand, the decision to have another child hasn’t been so simple. Popping out a kid wasn’t the easiest of tasks for us. Getting to the place we are now took time, determination and a strong resolve to not give up.
We have plenty of valid reasons for choosing to have just one child, yet I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel some pressure that we needed to have another one. It’s almost as if my heart knows we haven’t met the status quo, and if we don’t have another child, we’ll be missing out in some way. If we had another child, surely my value as a mother would increase as well?
Ugh. Why is there so much pressure?? I literally die a little on the inside when people ask me when we are having another one. It’s been a valuable lesson to never ask anyone about if, when, or how they are planning to have children. It’s just such a loaded question.
In our situation, I have to ask, “Why isn’t one enough?”
I must also note that we are currently undecided as to whether or not we want to try for another child. We go back and forth about it every day.
Time is definitely not on our side, so we need to make this decision somewhat soon. However, I know we’re not alone, and there are likely many couples who are facing this loaded decision. There are many, many valid reasons families may choose to stop at one.
Society’s Stupid Standards
No matter how many valid reasons I come up with for choosing to have just one child, it still feels like I’m failing in some way if we don’t have more kids. It’s dumb, I know, but I’d venture I’m not the only one that feels this. Throughout my life, I’ve heard many times that having just one child is not good for the child.
Well, here’s an article with a ton of research that actually says the opposite.
But here’s the thing: no matter how much research I do or how many studies I find that validate my choices, the issue lies deep in my heart. For whatever reason, I’ve bought into the lie that we must have a family of a certain size in order to be considered a real family, and if I don’t meet that standard, I’m doing myself and my family a disservice.
It’s a LIE!! Really, it is.
When I think about having another child, I also think about just how much crap is gonna come with it. Do children bring joy? Heck, yes! But they also bring stress, anxiety, frustration, tears, sleeplessness, and on and on and on. They are cute, but that cuteness comes with a price.
Sadly, I can’t really work out a way to silence the voices that say I’m missing out if we don’t have more children. Why can’t I be happy with one? Why isn’t one enough?
I’m working through it, and, to be honest with you, we aren’t totally decided on whether we want to try for another one, so I might publish this and then come right back and say, “SURPRISE, we are having a second child!”
It’s probably more likely that we will announce the arrival of a puppy, though. The thought of a puppy and a child makes me really happy. I can deal with that.
So what are some possible reasons for choosing to have just one child? There are so many. The reasons I’ve worked up are just a few and things I’ve personally worked through. You will probably have some to add to the list, and I definitely welcome you to do so in the comments!
Some Possible Reasons For Choosing To Have One Child
Your Maternal Age
Maternal age is most definitely high up on the list of reasons for choosing to have just one child.
Story time.
My life has taken a different route than the norm. When I was in my 20’s, I wanted to get as far away from a traditional life as possible, so I moved to China. Take that, status quo! The idea of a white picket fence, stable career, marriage and family at my young age made my stomach churn.
But that’s just me, and if that’s your life, it’s also a beautiful life. We’re all wired differently.
I didn’t get married until I was 36, and we started talking about having children about a year after getting married. It took awhile for us, but we finally popped out our first kid when I was 40. In the world of having babies, I was considered a geriatric pregnancy. GERIATRIC. It made me feel like I was 85.
Here’s the hard reality: getting older makes it harder to have kids. Is it impossible? No, but getting pregnant and staying pregnant after 35 does come with more risk.
Having babies in your 40’s also means you might be walking with a cane by the time your child enters middle school. Of course I’m joking, but only just a little bit.
Why should I feel bad about having children later in life? Well, I shouldn’t, and it’s my own issue, really. I have zero regrets about the choices I made in my 20s and 30s. I’ve travelled the world, had wild experiences, and done things I never would have done if I had gotten married earlier and started popping out kids when I was supposed to.
The Physical Impact Of Pregnancy And Birth
Holy moly, being pregnant and giving birth is NO JOKE.
You’re basically pushing a watermelon out of a key-hole if you deliver vaginally, and if you have a c-section, they literally cut through 7 layers of stuff to get to the baby. And we are supposed to just bounce back from that?? That’s another rant for another time.
I have heard that some women actually enjoy being pregnant. That’s not me. For the duration of my pregnancy, I felt nauseous, exhausted, huge, and just uncomfortable in every way. It was not fun.
Then I gave birth.
There are no words to adequately express what that was like. I can think of no other time in my life where I felt closer to death. You think I’m exaggerating? I tore my acl in my 20s. It literally snapped in half. I thought that was bad. Compared to birth, snapping my acl was like stubbing my toe. Again, I’m being dramatic, but only slightly.
Most likely, if you’re reading this, you’re also a mom, and you know that statement is true. Giving birth was the craziest physical event I’ve ever experienced in my life.
The after-delivery part was also horrendous. I experienced a 2nd degree tear (God help the women who’ve experienced 3rd and 4th degree tears), couldn’t sit on my hoo-haw for weeks after delivery, and am still repairing my pelvic floor a year after delivery. It’s been a ride, for sure.
At this point, I think if I tried to push another human out of my body, it might just snap my body in half. I like being able to walk, so I’m not sure another birth is in the cards for this body. I ain’t 20 anymore! There’s no bouncing back happening at this point.
Wanting to preserve whatever physical strength I’ve got in my body is an extremely valid reason for choosing to have just one child. I’d like my pelvic floor in semi-working order, thank-you very much.
Financial Reasons
This one is a no brainer.
Raising a child is expensive. Recent numbers show the average American family will spend $310,605 from the day a child is born until they are 17 years old. That’s not taking into account possible increases in inflation, so who knows what the real amount really looks like.
Simply put: raising babies ain’t cheap, and for some families, it’s just not financially feasible to add another mouth to the mix.
That’s not to say that you should have a child if you actually can afford to.
On the contrary, maybe you can afford it, but you also realize having that second babe would change your quality of life. Maybe you just don’t want to make further financial sacrifices in order to have another kid, and that’s OK! I’m definitely not saying that you should have another kid just because you can afford it.
You might want to actually be able to take your family of three on European holidays, and maybe that wouldn’t be possible if you had a family of four.
Financial stability is most definitely a valid reason to choose having just one child, and I support it.
You Like Having A Degree Sanity
Having one child is crazy enough. Having two? Bye-bye sanity.
Seriously, I can barely remember what day it is and what I’ve just walked into the kitchen for, and I’ve only got one kid. If I had another child right now, I don’t know if I’d make it out of bed in the morning. Actually, I’d likely never even make it to bed because I’d be up all night with two children.
I value having a tiny hint of mental stability, and if I have another human pulling for my attention as well, I’m done.
Some women are really good at handling multiple children. I tip my hat to these women. My mom was one of those women. She had three kids and never once complained to me about how hard it was to be a mom. Actually, maybe she did, and I just wasn’t paying attention. That’s absolutely possible.
Here’s my point: choosing mental sanity over a second child is most definitely a valid reason for choosing to only have one child, and it’s one that I’m 100% on board with.
You Want To Maintain Some Kind Of Life Balance
At the moment, I can still kind of get things done during the day.
I have the luxury of accomplishing tasks while Isaiah naps. Granted, it wasn’t always that way as I did contact naps with him for the first 7 months of his life, but we’ve graduated to independent naps, and I’m very thrilled about that. You think I’m ready to throw that out the window??
If I have a second child now, I would literally get zero time to do anything. Ever.
Now it is entirely possible that a second child would end up being a great sleeper and sleep independently for naps from the start, but I wouldn’t hold my breath. I have to assume I’d have two very needy children, and never have enough arms to meet everyone’s needs.
Honestly, I don’t know if that’s something I’m ok with signing up for. I am finally getting the teeniest, tiniest hint of myself back, and I’m terrified of what it might look like to add another human to the mix.
I like having the ability to do things and carve out tiny spots here and there to get work done, pee in silence, cook something, etc. Call me selfish, but for me, having a little balance in my life is a very valid reason for having just one child.
You’ve Experienced Previous Baby Loss
Not everyone will have experienced miscarriage or the loss of a baby, but if you have, you can likely fully understand the reasoning behind this. Baby loss changed my entire view of pregnancy.
Before I had my rainbow baby boy, I had two losses. The first one was the worst thing I’ve ever been through. It was a second trimester loss and I can’t EVER fathom going through something like that again.
The second loss was a missed miscarriage. I found out the baby had stopped growing around week 5. That one was painful and disappointing, but the first loss truly ripped my heart out.
Because of those experiences, I am aware that I am not guaranteed of anything when it comes to pregnancy and carrying to full term. I hate that those losses completely transformed how I view and experience pregnancy.
For me, pregnancy equals risk and potential of loss. Now that I do have my baby that I fought so hard to have, I just don’t think I can mentally get myself to a place to be ok with future losses. It’s just too painful.
To be honest, this is the biggest reason for me in deciding to likely have just one child. The thought of the pain and heartache that would come as a result of future losses is debilitating, and I really don’t know if I’d be able to recover if I had another experience like my first loss. I hate that I feel that way, but it’s my reality.
Your Choices Are Valid, Mama
No matter what your reasons are for choosing to have just one child, it doesn’t really matter. In fact, your reason could be, “I just don’t want another one.” That’s also a completely valid reason to have just one child.
Society has dumb ideas and standards, and I’m tired of it. It feels like it doesn’t matter what we do or don’t do, someone will think a certain way about us no matter what. We will never be perfect enough in the eyes of the world.
So allow this article to equip you with the validation you need to make your own decisions, embrace them, and confidently live your life, knowing you’re making the best choices for both you and your family. There is no perfect number of children. There is no perfect family.
And when all else fails, take heart in knowing you are not alone in your frustrations and struggles. I’m right there with you, and am doing my part to give mamas a safe place to vent those frustrations.
You are more than enough, and your small, sweet family is just perfect.
You’re not alone! Onward, mama! You’re a hero.
Don’t miss these other guides:
4 Simple Strategies That Cultivate Maternal Instinct
5 Reasons Maternal Instinct Is Dying
6 Simple Practices That Crush Mom Comparison
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