Mom comparison is real. It’s the worst but also not impossible to beat.
Scenario: You’re a mom, exhausted and overwhelmed beyond belief. You look around, and all you see are other moms who look like they’re crushing the mom game, so put together and on top of it all. Before you know it, you’ve slid down the mom comparison hole, and you feel horrible about yourself and your mom-ing skills.
Ugh. I feel you, girl. I was that mom and still am at times.
For the first few months of my baby’s life, I was literally drowning in mom comparison. It was no bueno, and my mental state was massively impacted.
Eventually, I had my light-bulb moment when I saw just how much my mom comparison mentality was ruining my entire experience. Today, I still have to manage my inner dialogue and perspective because it can quickly run wildly out of control. Thankfully, I’ve learned how to kick that ugly comparison crap to the curb. I don’t have time for it, and neither do you!
Get ready to liberate yourself and embrace your own journey, mama!
Here’s what you’ll find in this guide:
- The Unreachable Mom Standard
- 6 Practices That Conquer Mom Comparison
- Keeping Mom Comparison In Check
The Unreachable Mom Standard
Is it just me, or does it feel like the modern-day mom is expected to flawlessly fill the role of 10 different people and positions all in one? I don’t have a family village to step in like the Internet tells me I need, so I literally wear every hat. At the moment, we live in Australia, far far away from my family and friends. Hence, I am grandma, grandpa, aunt, uncle, cousin, chef, teacher, entertainer, butler, chauffeur, and, oh yeah, MOM.
My husband is around to fill the dad role, but he works a lot, so I’m the primary care giver most days. I definitely don’t have people rushing in to hold the baby so I can take a break. Oh, I wish. Unless I pay someone to do it, that’s not happening.
I imagine a lot of moms are in similar situations where they live far from family and don’t have a helpful community around them. Today’s parenting is far from the era of “the village”. It’s a nice thought, but is it most women’s reality? Probably not.
Add to the mix standards set by social media, and we’ve got ourselves a mess! We play every role, and we’ve got to look good while doing it. The social media mom bounces back quickly, has a perfectly adapted baby, has a full-time career as well as being a full-time mom, maintains a visually stunning and cozy home, and prepares beautiful meals for her successful husband.
It’s just too much. It’s all too much. All of these expectations make mom comparison even more of a temptation, always trying to keep up with the Joneses.
At the end of the day, what truly matters is what is happening in your own life and your mind, mama. The standards don’t matter if you don’t let them. Is anyone keeping score besides you? Time to flush that mom comparison down the toilet!
6 Practices That Conquer Mom Comparison
Look Past The Filter
Honey, you have to understand that we live in a world where what you see on the surface is not real. Everything is filtered, literally and figuratively. You can’t put too much weight on what you see online.
I remember the early months of motherhood when I was questioning everything and looking to social media or the Internet for guidance. Most of the time, the things I saw and read only made me feel like more of a failure. It seemed like all the other new moms were gliding through their journey with no issues or insecurities. How could they make it all look so easy?
I was constantly comparing myself to those moms, their babies, their lives, etc. It was dragging my mental health down a dark road.
Social media shows the tiniest sliver of someone’s life. Social media is not real!
Well, some of it might be, but even if someone is trying to present a really authentic picture of themselves online, there is no way you can see or know 100% of the story. You don’t know what’s going on behind the scenes, and you’ve probably created some fictional story about that person that isn’t even true. You think their life is easier, better, more beautiful, more fulfilling, etc., and it’s just not real.
Am I out here posting photos of myself crying in my cake because I’m so overwhelmed by motherhood? Heck no. I’m posting all the cute baby/mommy selfies. People probably look at my social media and think I’m breezing through this as well. So I guess I’m also part of the problem. But unless I have a 24/7 live cam, it’s impossible to truly give the outside world an accurate picture of my life. A little mystery and privacy is healthy, though. We just need to be aware that what we are seeing is not the entire picture.
You’ve got to look at social media for what it is. It’s a fantasy. If you take what you see as pure reality, it’s not going to help you. Believe me. I know from experience.
Which brings me to my next point:
Turn Off Social Media
Social media can definitely have a negative impact on your postpartum journey, so you should seriously consider taking some breaks if you noticed a decrease in your mood after scrolling through your feed.
Don’t get me wrong, there are some really great accounts out there doing their best to give an authentic take of the hard stuff in motherhood, but when you’re in your own struggle, sometimes it’s more beneficial to just turn it all off. That way, there is no possibility of creating a story about someone that makes you feel bad about your own life circumstances.
I’ve definitely taken breaks from social media. I also regularly go through my feed and clean things up, deleting the accounts that don’t bring me life. You don’t have to completely delete social media if you don’t want to, but if you’re following accounts that aren’t encouraging and life-giving, unfollow them. Bye-bye.
Accept And Own Your Story
We all have a unique journey. The very fact that I was looking online and comparing my own mama story to other women was kind of dumb.
I would never be those other women. They would never be me. I would never have their same exact life circumstances. So for me to compare myself to them and want to be more like them was just silly. I can only be me, live my own life, embrace what I have, and let the rest go. That’s such a simple thought, but actually one that can change your entire perspective for the better.
It’s really great to look at other people and draw inspiration from their journey, but the moment admiration turns to comparison and jealousy, it’s gone too far, and you’ve gotta nip it. Get that voice out of your brain and focus on you and your own baby.
You’ve got to accept and own your story because it’s the only one you’ve got. Instead of wishing your experience was something else, start embracing what it actually is and get on with loving the crap out of your life. Gosh, I’m totally preaching to myself here, too. I need constant reminders.
Be Open About Your Struggles
Transitioning into motherhood is one of the craziest journeys you’ll ever embark upon. It’s important to have a couple of safe friends in your zone that are open to hearing about all of the hard parts of that process. Ideally, your friends will also be moms, either new moms or seasoned moms with older kids. It’s hard for people to understand all of the changes you’re going through if they’ve not experienced them, too.
I know it’s not always easy to be vulnerable with friends and share what you’re really going through, but somehow, opening up just helps to clear the brain. I’m more of a verbal processor, so when I keep all that junk bottled up inside of me, the end result is not pretty. Regular vent sessions keep the explosions to a minimum.
Flip The Narrative Upside Down
The brain of a new mom can be borderline insane. Emotions are high. Hormones are whacky. There are more feels than a Boys II Men medley. It’s a weird time when mom comparison can run wild. While I can’t speak for every mom, I can speak for myself. The thoughts in my head were straight up crazy-town.
I struggled the most with mom comparison in the early months. I was convinced I was failing as a mom, especially in the area of sleep. My Isaiah was not a great sleeper, and I hated the idea of sleep training. It seemed as though all the other babies were sleep trained and snoozing through the night. You might not be struggling with baby sleep, but there are plenty of other areas that could be tempting you to compare yourself to other moms.
Btw, if you are also struggling with baby sleep but don’t want to sleep train, check out my survival guide here.
Here are some of the thoughts I’ve battled on this journey:
- The other moms are better at this.
- Other moms have it all figured out.
- That mom is doing a better job because her baby sleeps through the night.
- I’m failing because I didn’t bounce back to my pre-baby body like other moms.
- I’m doing something wrong because my baby won’t nap unless I’m holding him. Other moms have babies that nap independently.
- I’m doing something wrong because my baby is so clingy. Other moms have more chill babies and have more free time.
Those are some pretty gross thoughts that produced even grosser feelings. Seriously, the mom comparison stuff is so toxic.
As time passed, I saw just how detrimental that kind of thinking was to my daily experience as a mom. Who wants to feel like a failure all the time? Not me. I knew I needed to change my inner dialogue because it was not helping me at all.
So how did I do it? Well, I’m gonna get a little “woo-woo” on you, and it’s important to note that I’m still a work in progress with all of this. I started by taking note of the ways in which I was comparing myself to other moms. Then, I wrote out the opposite statements and kept that list in my phone.
Above, I listed some of the pooh pooh thoughts I had, and here’s a list to counter those thoughts:
- I’m doing the best job I know how to do. No one is perfect at being a mom.
- I’m figuring this out one day at a time just like everyone else.
- The way my baby sleeps is no indication of how I’m doing as a mom.
- What matters most right now is staying healthy so I can provide breast milk for my baby.
- I love my baby, and I’m meeting my baby’s needs by holding him for naps.
- It’s ok to hold my baby as much as he needs me. This won’t last forever.
You might think this is crazy, but it worked. I still do this today. I have a list of affirmations in my phone notes that I read often. Some days, it’s the very thing that turns my crap attitude upside down.
If you’ve got some good affirmations that help get you through the day, leave them in the comments. I need all the help I can get.
Celebrate The Milestones, Even If They Are Small
One practice that really helped me tackle mom comparison was by celebrating the small victories in my own journey.
For instance, when Isaiah was born, I was terrified at the thought of taking him out. It felt overwhelming and super scary. Social media, on the other hand, made it appear as though all other moms with newborns were immediately getting on with their lives by going out to cafes, going out with friends, going here, going there, etc. Now I don’t know if that was really an accurate portrayal of most moms with newborns, but in my brain, everyone was going out except me. Mom comparison hit hard.
It wasn’t until the 4-week mark when I felt brave enough to venture out with my tiny baby. I took him to a cafe, got a coffee, and went straight back home. It was a small thing, but it felt like the greatest day of my life. I felt powerful, and I celebrated that milestone.
Isaiah demanded to be on or very near me 24/7, so it made things more difficult in terms of venturing back out into the world. We eventually figured it all out, but it’s been more of a turtle pace for us. Ignoring what the other moms were doing while focusing my own reality really helped me along the way.
Here are some other milestones I was able to celebrate:
- At 6 weeks postpartum, I got my hair cut while my husband was home with Isaiah. Isaiah was screaming by the time I returned home, but I still celebrated that taste of freedom.
- At 3 months, I was able to make a meal for myself while Isaiah chilled in his Moses basket (beside me, of course). For me, that was not a normal occurrence. I could rarely put him down for longer than 5 minutes.
- At around 3 months, my husband and I went for brunch for the first time since Isaiah’s birth.
- At about 4 months, I had lunch with a friend at a cafe while Isaiah napped in the carrier.
I’m telling you. It’s been a slow go for us. Maybe my experience will help you feel better about your own progress.
Keeping Mom Comparison In Check
The mom comparison battle never seems to end for me. It creeps up while I’m not paying attention. Before I know it, I’m looking at other moms on social media, lost in a rabbit hole of comparison.
It’s really important to do frequent “mom comparison checks”. Every so often, I take note of how much time I’m spending on social media and whether I’m being sucked into mindless Instagram scrolling. That’s when I quickly get into trouble.
I go back to my positive narrative notes as mentioned above and reframe my mind so I’m sitting in a more hopeful space. I remind myself that the things I see on social media are almost always filtered reality, and I really have no idea what is happening behind the perfect smiles and pristine presentation.
Staying out of the mom comparison rut definitely takes intentional work, but the sanity and peace are well worth the effort. Onward, mama. You’re doing the best job.
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