No matter when you do it, announcing pregnancy can be a terrifying and anxious experience.
Before I even saw my first positive pregnancy test, I was warned that I shouldn’t announce a pregnancy before reaching 12 weeks.
Fear of loss was the rationale behind that advice, and I bought into it. However, having experienced two losses of my own, I now feel very differently about when I feel it’s best to share news of pregnancy.
In this article, I’ve got 4 arguments in favor of announcing a pregnancy before the elusive 12-week-mark. Sure, you’ve gotta do what you feel best about, but my experiences and thoughts might convince you that there is a more supportive way to navigate pregnancy announcements and possible loss.
Here’s what I’ve got for you in this article:
Fear: The Nasty Motivator
There are two motivators in life: love and fear.
Throughout my motherhood journey, I’m sad to say that fear has been a strong motivator in many of my decisions. Rightfully so. I experienced two losses before having my rainbow.
However, letting fear sit in the driver’s seat hasn’t protected me. I’ve experienced isolation, anxiety, loneliness, and other negative emotions along the road. Fear has never protected me.
During my first pregnancy, I told close family and friends that I was pregnant before reaching 12 weeks. I waited until week 15 or so to make a public announcement on social media. It was supposed to be safe after 12 weeks. What a punch to the gut to lose our baby just 2 weeks after making a public announcement. That experience highly influenced my announcement decision in our second pregnancy.
When we became pregnant with our second angel, I only told my dad about the pregnancy. Fear filled each day of that short lived pregnancy.
At the 8 week mark, I learned our baby had stopped growing. As I waited for my body to naturally process the missed miscarriage, I felt extremely alone and isolated. My husband and dad were the only two people who knew I was going through a loss. I regret not telling at least a few more close friends or family early on so I would have had more compassion and support during the loss.
My first loss was horrific, but people were more invested in the pregnancy because they knew about it. When we lost that baby, I was flooded with support of family and friends.
The difference between the first and second loss was incomparable. It felt almost as if the second pregnancy never even happened because no one really knew about it, and I just wanted to get on with trying again for a baby.
I know each situation is different, and you’ve got to make decisions that feel right, but if I could change my path during that second pregnancy, I definitely would fight the intense feelings of fear and let a few more people into the process straight away. In the end, I didn’t have the support I needed to process through yet another loss because I was too afraid to tell people I was pregnant.
If you can work through the fear, do things differently than I did. Don’t do this journey alone. Even if you tell just a couple of close friends and family members who are super supportive, it’s going to really help if you do happen to need support.
Reasons To Announce A Pregnancy Earlier Than 12 Weeks
Every Moment Is Worth Celebrating
From the moment you pee on the stick and see a positive pregnancy test, you have permission to celebrate the life growing inside your tummy. Pregnancy doesn’t only count if you make it to the finish line. Each pregnancy is valid and worthy of celebrating. I know this is a concept that might be really difficult to embrace if you’ve experienced loss. I hear you.
In the midst of loss, I just wanted to hide and push the experience off a cliff into the ocean so the waves could quickly take the grief away. It doesn’t work like that, though. Grief doesn’t just go away if you will it out of existence.
Honestly, I wasn’t so good at embracing each moment while I was pregnant, but I find that even now, I am able to go back and mentally sit in some of the moments of the first two pregnancies and celebrate those moments. It might sound crazy, but I am able to celebrate them more now than I was during the actual pregnancy.
If you have experienced loss and weren’t able to celebrate the little moments during the pregnancy, create space to do that.
I have found the following exercise to be extremely healing. Find a quiet space and write down the moments you want to remember, the special moments. Write what you felt during that moment, and if it wasn’t a positive feeling, also write what you want to replace those hard feelings with.
Here’s an example. For my second pregnancy, the moment I saw the positive test, I was consumed by fear. I felt zero joy.
While I can’t go back and change that, I can mentally go back into that memory and imagine what I would have wanted my feelings to be. In that moment, if fear of loss were not an issue, I would have only felt joy and celebration. So that’s what I do. I imagine seeing the positive test in my mind, and I celebrate it. I celebrate the very real life that was present in my womb in that moment.
Don’t knock it till you try it. It works for me, and it might just help you replace some of the negative experiences around your losses. It’s worth a try.
If The Pregnancy Ends, You Have More Support
While it’s never pleasant to think that a pregnancy might end before you reach the finish line, it’s unfortunately a possibility in every pregnancy.
My first pregnancy loss resulted in a cascade of support and compassion because so many people knew I was pregnant. Their support really did help me get through that experience even though it was so traumatic.
The second loss was a completely different experience. Barely anyone knew I was pregnant, so when I lost that baby, it was crickets. When I shared the news with close friends and family, they were caught off guard because they didn’t even know I was pregnant. There was no emotional connection for them.
The second loss was a much more isolating experience than the first. For that reason, I highly recommend choosing some key people in your life to share your news with. If you do happen to experience a loss, those friends and family will likely be a key part of your grieving process as they support you on your journey.
Excitement Is Contagious
While you may feel dread and fear after seeing a positive pregnancy test, those around you will likely have an opposite reaction. Most likely they will be extremely excited and hopeful about your little bean. Telling others might just cultivate some joy and celebration in your heart. Joy and celebration are always welcome in my heart.
Such is the case in most things in life, we have two options in how we respond to things. We can either respond to life in fear or in hope/love.
You might not agree with what I’m going to say here, but hear me out. When you see that plus sign, your mind might start to race. You may immediately begin imagining the worst case scenario. But, in that moment, your thoughts and feelings are a fantasy. You have not lost your baby. Maybe you will. Nothing is guaranteed. But in that moment, you have your baby. Therefore, you have a choice: you can either live in a state of hope or in a state of fear.
Now, again, hear me out. I get the fear. I do. That’s normally my response. However, when I look back on my losses, I wish I could have done things differently and celebrated things a little more. Does that sound crazy? Maybe.
My point here is that excitement breeds excitement and fear breeds fear. You choose which emotion you give power to and, personally, I have allowed fear to live in my heart and mind for too long and in too many circumstances. Opening the door to some trusted family and friends early on might just help cultivate some joy and kick fear to the curb for a moment.
You Don’t Have To Protect Others From Potential Loss
I chose to keep my second pregnancy from close family and friends because I felt like I had to protect them from the possible grief of loss.
Well, that was just silly. I am not responsible for the world’s emotions. In fact, I am actually worthy of other people joining me in my grief process. My baby was worth it, too.
Besides, not telling people about my pregnancy wasn’t really protecting them from anything. When they found out about the pregnancy loss, they still had to process through their own grief.
If anything, people were actually sad that I hadn’t told them about the pregnancy because they felt like they couldn’t properly grieve along with me. Family is meant to celebrate with us, grieve with us, and experience all of the good and hard parts of life together. That is family. That is friendship. Maybe our society is too afraid of feeling things? Just maybe.
You are not responsible to protect others from sad feelings. Let those you trust join you in the journey. You won’t regret it.
Closing Thoughts
This was a difficult article for me to write. I very much understand the grief of loss and the fear surrounding post-loss pregnancy announcements. It’s all so hard.
But maybe there is a different way to go through it all, and my goal here is to challenge the fear you might be feeling about sharing your pregnancy with the world. We are not in control of pregnancy outcomes, but we ARE in control of how we experience life. You don’t have to go through the hard things alone. Celebrate when there is reason to celebrate. Grieve when there is reason to grieve. And go back to the hard parts and rewrite your responses if needed.
Sending all the love to you, mama. I know this journey is far from easy. You’re not alone.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on pregnancy announcements. Tell me about your experience in the comments below. I’d love to hear from you.
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